I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.