[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE.
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I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
paramedic: can you tell me what happened
crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
2016: Sanders wins presidency
2017: Marijuana legalized in all 50 states
20$x: lol what were we talking about