@Faceyspace

HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE.

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@ArfMeasures

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

@Tuna_Lover

I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

@JohnLyonTweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

@YayForJam

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

@with_a_ph23

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

@daemonic3

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

@LMHPhotog

paramedic: can you tell me what happened

crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car

@amysowerby

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

@GrantTanaka

2016: Sanders wins presidency
2017: Marijuana legalized in all 50 states
20$x: lol what were we talking about