Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special