If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Haha! My mom said I can’t use my phone at the dinner table. I’m a grown…
This is Del’s mom, he’ll be back after he eats his dinner.
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[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.