Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
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I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I pray every night that I never become religious…
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.