Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.


I’m so high I went to target because why not. I reached for some cookie dough & so did someone else at the same time. I said, “sorry you can go ahead” to only realize I had just seen my own arm in the mirror & I apologized to myself… I’m going home


Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details

Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now

Guy :


unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life


Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]


Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”


I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake


My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit


[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.