My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
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I’m so high I went to target because why not. I reached for some cookie dough & so did someone else at the same time. I said, “sorry you can go ahead” to only realize I had just seen my own arm in the mirror & I apologized to myself… I’m going home
Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details
Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.