Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
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Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.