haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
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[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
6. me as a lawyer
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.