“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
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that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.