My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
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[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE