@turtledumplin

Haha some loser’s car alarm keeps going off

*pushes button on keys*

*alarm turns off*

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@causticbob

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

@Skoog

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

@KKAlThani

I thought I was listening to a Maroon 5 song on the radio when I realized that the radio is off and I need to have my brakes changed.

@pittdave13

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

@withanewname

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

@causticbob

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

@murrman5

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

@_ElvishPresley_

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

@TheHyyyype

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”