Haha some loser’s car alarm keeps going off

*pushes button on keys*

*alarm turns off*

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5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.


her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall


I thought I was listening to a Maroon 5 song on the radio when I realized that the radio is off and I need to have my brakes changed.


God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?


[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”


what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy


[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing


Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!


the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”