haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

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Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.


I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.


I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry


I celebrate Friday the 13th in the traditional way… by going into the woods and murdering every sexy teenager I can find.




My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.


My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.