haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]