@OVO_Ty15

“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever

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@keelyflaherty

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

@ThugRaccoons

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

@TheAlexNevil

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

@POTerritory

Listen, TV “debate” moderators, if I wanted to watch people talk past each other, I’d just pay attention to my family.

@markleggett

Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

@SteveSuckington

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

@kyry5

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

@AimeeHelene1

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

@thenatewolf

Wife: how was the doctor?

Me: bad I’m dying

Wife: I know, how was the doctor?