I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
You Might Also Like
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
We’ve all been there
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?