Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
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I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
i will avenge u mr van gogh
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907