Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

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Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.


when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one


me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free


You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”


Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*


The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.


i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it


KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?


I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money

Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man