@MomOnFire

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

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@doktorj

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

@AndrewsNotFunny

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

@longwall26

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

@Contwixt

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

@OllyiConic

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

@behindyourback

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

@DaddyJew

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

@dril

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

@BuckyIsotope

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

@Shut_up_Marissa

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!