Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
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when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it
KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money
Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man
you know who REALLY dies after Infinity War? DC.