@MomOnFire

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

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@kumailn

Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.

@meganamram

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

@iwearaonesie

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

@gabydunn

You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”

@spaceboyriley

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

@Staggfilms

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

@nachdermas

i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it

@trojansauce

KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?

@hero_ofthenight

I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money

Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man