Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
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WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.