If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[Satan pulls up in his cab]
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hear me out…
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”