@Mr_Kapowski

[hails Satan]

[Satan pulls up in his cab]

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@Fred_Delicious

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

@McGrumpenstein

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

@SteveSuckington

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

@ddrwg

[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
Aww man.

@Jenn_H_Scott

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

@deathoftheparty

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

@spacej_me

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

@mejustbeth

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

@aka_fatman

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”