Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
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Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Do not steal food from the science building!
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze