I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
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Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.