Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
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I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
😅😅😅