If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
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My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan