What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
According to MyFitnessPal, I have been dead for 6 weeks.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
THIS IS SPARTA!
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is