Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
You Might Also Like
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana