[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
mom gave me mine for free
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”