@LittleMissAngr1

Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?

Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you

Hair Stylist: what?

Me: what?

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@ravenswng_

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

@iGreenMonk

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@Lerky

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

@StarWarsProblms

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

@Snarfernini

Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I’m gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355

Bring ice cream too

@dave_cactus

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

@OwensDamien

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

@BoozeWallet

I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.