Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?

Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you

Hair Stylist: what?

Me: what?

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Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?


I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.


All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”


robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come


I don’t know which meme to get my news from today


I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!


I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.