Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?
Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you
Hair Stylist: what?
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!
Hi. Yes I’d like one new body please.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.