Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?
Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you
Hair Stylist: what?
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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
You’re missing the point and possibly a chromosome…
Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I’m gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355
Bring ice cream too
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in