Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
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the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
wow
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My wedding will be open casket.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.