If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
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My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐