Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
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Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]