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@AbbieEvansXO: Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
@sexncake: I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
@ImFordTough: hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
@KalvinMacleod: I have Facebook like reflexes.
"Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?"
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
@WilliamAder: Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.