If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
*point rescued by Liam Neeson
BIRD FACT: cardinals often engage in prolonged violent fights with their own reflections and you know what cardinals, I’m pushing 40 I get it
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.