Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.


Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.


Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.


me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché


During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”



BIRD FACT: cardinals often engage in prolonged violent fights with their own reflections and you know what cardinals, I’m pushing 40 I get it


God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.