Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
You Might Also Like
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Meeeee too!
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
an airline just for babies.