“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
You Might Also Like
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Me: sleep before the monsters get you
7: monsters aren’t real
M: you sound like your brother
M: I’ve said too much already
I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.
What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That’s certainly something to think about, but not during sex.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me: So, what kind of work do you do?
She: Internal consulting.
Me, scoffing: You can say gynecologist, we’re all adults here