Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
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My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.