The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I want to meet the individual who made this
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Best spoiler warning ever
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.