Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that


DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table


Lost my job at the history museum for telling people “all this shit is fake” and “there’s no such place as Egypt”


When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?


Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu


Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.


genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem


I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.


Packing for a trip, Husband says I don’t need to overpack. It is so cute how he thinks I’m coming back.