teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
Lost my job at the history museum for telling people “all this shit is fake” and “there’s no such place as Egypt”
When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Packing for a trip, Husband says I don’t need to overpack. It is so cute how he thinks I’m coming back.