Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app