Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
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Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.