Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition
*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
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[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.
Brings sexy back.
Gets charged $5,275.00 in late fees.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it