Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

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Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”


[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?


I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?


*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.


“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text


People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.


My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.


I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.


ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button


ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it