@squirrel74wkgn

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

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@sirHASHington

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

@jctwritesstuff

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

@MacLethal

A friend of mine in California manages a business that lets “influencers” sit on a parked jet and take pictures, so they can pretend they’re flying private.

He’s completely booked solid for the next 3 months. He said the clients are some of the most famous celebs on earth.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

@Fred_Delicious

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

@GrantTanaka

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

@Darlainky

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

@AGreaterMonster

Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn’t mean I’m getting old, right? Means I’m turning into a werewolf! Right?

@MsTexas1967

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit