Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

You Might Also Like


Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.


[prison fight]

Prisoner: *pulls out spoon shank*

Other prisoner: *pulls out toothbrush shank*

Me: *frantically sucking candy cane*


When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.


My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.


I’m outside Costco and only need a few things.
*one hour later*
I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.


Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.


“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye


[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table


*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama*
*Obama faints*
Only a kiss from his one true love will save him
*Biden takes out lipstick*