Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
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Prisoner: *pulls out spoon shank*
Other prisoner: *pulls out toothbrush shank*
Me: *frantically sucking candy cane*
When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I’m outside Costco and only need a few things.
*one hour later*
I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table
*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama*
Only a kiss from his one true love will save him
*Biden takes out lipstick*