Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

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I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.


My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?


A friend of mine in California manages a business that lets “influencers” sit on a parked jet and take pictures, so they can pretend they’re flying private.

He’s completely booked solid for the next 3 months. He said the clients are some of the most famous celebs on earth.


Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.


“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]


Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe


I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate


At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?


Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn’t mean I’m getting old, right? Means I’m turning into a werewolf! Right?


Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit