@squirrel74wkgn

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

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@lovemydogduck

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[prison fight]

Prisoner: *pulls out spoon shank*

Other prisoner: *pulls out toothbrush shank*

Me: *frantically sucking candy cane*

@qwertying

When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.

@Shade510

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

@sharpular

I’m outside Costco and only need a few things.
*one hour later*
I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.

@lakeanagirl

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

@audipenny

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

@SuperJuanderer

[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table

@SatansTongue

*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama*
*Obama faints*
Only a kiss from his one true love will save him
*Biden takes out lipstick*