Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
shut up and take my money
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo