[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
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me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.