[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
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i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Lube but for my dry humor.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap