[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Someone just threatened to call me later
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish