@mommajessiec: Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
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@ThePocketJustin: The FBI's terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
@VampireIguana: Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
@BromanConsul: "Science HAS gone too far," I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard. The Colonel laughs.
@truegritrumble: ME: You wouldn't believe these sparklers I got! SPOUSE: That's dynamite! ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It's really cool! SPOUSE: *already running*