@mommajessiec

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

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@Mikecanrant

Whoever named them “urinal cakes” has grossly underestimated my love for cake.

On a side note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@Jarhead44

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

@murrman5

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

@Rollinintheseat

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

@iamspacegirl

you *opening your front door to leave for work in the morning*

me *clinging to the screen door like a tree frog*:
I can’t help but notice that you didn’t you like my selfie last night

@ADHDeanASL

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

@caliluvgirl77

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

@McClaneJohn2

Calm down car stereo volume I’m not the same person I was yesterday.

@aksorojas

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.