[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*