I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
All generalizations are stupid.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.