Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
You Might Also Like
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!