Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
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[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*