Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
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Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
What if the weather talks about us?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball