I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
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Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!
when someone is like “you’re a digital artist right? could you make me a logo?” and you’re like “no I’m not a graphic designer” and they’re like “I’ll give you $400” and you’re like “okay fine I’m a graphic designer but just for tonight”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me