@colinmochrie

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

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@trentistweeting

[turning off Shrek 2]
well, i’d say that movie was shrekcellent!
“trent, 1 more shrek pun and i’m divorcing you.”
oh karen, don’t ogre-react

@MyNameIsArchaic

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

@WheelTod

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

@roxiqt

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

@robdelaney

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

@illiter8too

Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife: “What are you doing?”

“Having an argument on Twitter”

“With a man or woman?”

“A lamp.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.