[turning off Shrek 2]
well, i’d say that movie was shrekcellent!
“trent, 1 more shrek pun and i’m divorcing you.”
oh karen, don’t ogre-react
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
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Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.
My wife: “What are you doing?”
“Having an argument on Twitter”
“With a man or woman?”
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
A tiny Tarzan swinging from your Tampon string.