Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
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I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.