Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.