niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
You Might Also Like
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.