(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.


Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?


Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who’s hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now.


To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.


In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.


Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?


Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.


Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.


Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”