(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
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*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what