@SortaBad

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

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@ROSEandDAYFIELD

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

@MarcACaputo

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

@HairyJew4Life

Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?

Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?

@kwkorpi

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

@daemonic3

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

@ihateitmunky

a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket

@simoncholland

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

@djr_102

I broke up with a girl once by leaving a note on the front door that simply said: “Love doesn’t live here anymore, and now, neither do you.”

@AndrewNadeau0

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

@AmishPornStar1

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?