Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
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When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.