Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.