I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
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If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.