@MensHumor

Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

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@Contwixt

FUN BIT OF TRIVIA…The hard-working individuals who discover and preserve ancient pastas and breads are called starchaeologists.

@KenJennings

Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read

@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@just1fool

No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.

@shegotagronk

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

@Hilarious_Idiot

Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts. Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia. Hunger Games fans: Nope I’m good..

@StarrsWar

No officer I didn’t mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.

@AimeeHelene1

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

@KylePlantEmoji

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”